A reflection...

Hello friends! Long time, no blog!

I've found myself at a crossroads. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and it has occurred to me that life is becoming increasingly uncertain. When I was young, I thought that once you got out of school, you just did some kind of study or training, got a job, and then that would set you up for some semblance of stability. Sure, friends, family, relationships, locations might all change at times, but you had a basic idea of where you were headed. I'm seeing more and more clearly how simplistic and unrealistic that is. I've known it for quite a while, but it's becoming more glaringly obvious as time passes.

At the moment, I'm trying to decide what to do next. I have no idea what to do. None. Absolutely none. Not an ideal situation for one who deals so poorly with uncertainty! But I've been thinking more about the people in the Bible, and how more often than not, their lives didn't turn out the way they may have envisaged. Let me explain with a few examples:

Abraham - he ends up having a son at a very ripe old age. Even though God promises that this will happen, even Abraham doesn't completely believe it until it finally comes to be.

David - the youngest son of Jesse, and nothing more than a shepherd to begin with, his life goes through many twists and turns to eventually become the second king of Israel. His reign was full of ups and downs, joy and utter despair. But in the end, he trusted in God's faithfulness.

Peter - the guy we love to laugh at in the gospels for suffering from chronic foot-in-mouth disease. Who would have guessed that someone who saw Jesus, followed him around, heard him teach countless times, and still didn't get the point of what Jesus was on about, would go on to be one of the most influential men in spreading the gospel? I doubt Peter, who was just an ordinary fisherman, would have ever thought that his life would turn out the way it did. He died as a martyr.

Paul - a man who probably thought he was going to live his life out as a Pharisee. Paul was in the business of persecuting Christians before that day on the road to Damascus when his life was utterly and irrevocably changed. He went on to be another influential man in spreading the news of Jesus. Paul, like Peter, died as a martyr for his faith in Jesus.

Ok, so I'm not going to compare myself too closely with these great figures, but the point is that life, generally speaking, is uncertain. Sure, we spend many hours planning our futures, deciding where we want to study or work, who we want to marry, how many children we might have, where we want to live... but the reality is that we aren't really in control at all. It's just an illusion. God is the one that is in control of our lives. He is the one who decides where we work, where we study, who we marry, how many children we have, where we live, and everything else. We can make plans until our dying day, but there is never any guarantee that things will work out the way we want them to. Events of the unexpected happen all the time, and we don't honestly know what's around the corner - at best, we are taking a guess and presuming that things will turn out the way we think they will.

I am resolved to stop worrying so much about what I'm going to do next. I have no idea what God has in store for me. But I can be confident that whatever that ends up being, I have at least one certainty that I can count on after this life is done. I hope and pray that whatever I do, and wherever I am, God's glory will shine through.

Next time: Success... a developing definition.

Completely Woeful

My neglect of this blog is shameful, but I think I have a pretty good excuse. Since my last post, which saw the beginning of a brand-spanking-new episode of depression, I have been a bit out of the realm of normality. This time, I ended up being admitted to the Concord Centre for Mental Health for a week and a half, and have spent the last few weeks trying desperately to get back some semblance of normality in my life. God, I think, is trying to teach me patience and also to rely on Him as I stumble through this time having no idea where I may end up. Depression is eternally frustrating for me, and I'm sure it's not exactly fun-filled for those around me either. There is an underlying feeling of guilt in everything, mainly that I am unable to do the things that I want/need/should do, especially when it comes to helping others. I am disappointed that yet another semester may go by where I am no further in my studies, and feel no small amount of grief for the loss of the things I thought I would be able to achieve and succeed in this semester (and not only at uni). It all makes me wonder... can I get through this once again? What is the right balance for me between study/church/friends/family that would prevent me going down this path again? What is it about my thinking and emotional patterns that causes all this?

And the biggest question... is this the way my life is going to continue? A hard won rise in confidence coupled with motivation and energy, followed by a trip to the bottom of the well, sparking yet another arduous climb to the top? Can I break this cycle? If not, can I bear the weight of dealing with this illness for the rest of my life?

Obviously, none of these questions have simple answers. It is difficult to live with uncertainty at the best of times, for anyone, but I think for those of us who have extra hurdles to overcome, that uncertainty can be our undoing as we catastrophise the mights, the might-nots, and the what-ifs.

Needless to say I have some biggish decisions to make about my future over the next few months, but I am learning to be content to get through each day as it comes - some are better than others, and I have to just accept whichever it is each day and respond accordingly. I am trying very hard to find the good things out of each day - sometimes the good things are small victories like getting out of bed and getting dressed, sometimes they are bigger victories like making sure I get to church or Bible study. The thing I am struggling not to do is compare my own little accomplishments to those around me who aren't dealing with things like depression and who can do so much more than me. I'm very blessed to be surrounded by friends and professional support who can remind me of these things and who encourage me to take pride and satisfaction for getting done whatever I am able to. Jesus is working through these people to spur me on, to not let me give up all hope, to know that I am loved and valued regardless of my inabilities.

Anyway, some very cool things have been happening in the last few weeks too, but I shall leave that for the next post.

Oh My!

I am SO exhausted; emotionally, physically and mentally! I attended Credo's annual Easter Time Conference this weekend, the topic of which was the doctrine of salvation. Seriously, every year I come away with a head completely buzzing with all this new information, and a greater depth and insight into something that I guess I thought I already knew about. It's no wonder people find Bible college so full on when this is the kind of thing you are being bombarded with every day! Credo is so blessed to have had Sam Chan back again for the third year in a row to be the main speaker at the conference - he has such an engaging style and explains things so well, even if the amount of sheer information and depth is a little overwhelming. As always, it's a great time of learning, but it is also a great time of consolidating friendships and making new friends, particularly across the different faculties. But it is also a difficult weekend in many ways - we grapple with these large and complex doctrines while we get more and more exhausted, and it takes the next couple of weeks to really process what it is we actually heard. Tiredness and clear thinking do not go well together, and I reckon almost every person feels emotionally raw at some point or another.

Anyway, I'm back at home now, doing washing so that I can re-pack in order to go to Stroud for 4 days with uni! Can't say I'm really looking forward to camping out in the middle of nowhere, probably in the rain, while most of my friends are on uni holidays, but there's not much I can do about it now. I just need to get through the next week intact, and then I can have a rest. In the meantime, I will persevere and trust that God is looking out for me and that he will give me the strength to keep going even when I feel like I've been beaten. And today of all days, Easter Sunday, I remember that not only is God loving, but He is powerful and mighty enough to defeat death and I have nothing to fear now. If he can raise people from the dead, he can certainly get me through this next week! Hallelujah!

And the fun continues!

Wow, what a couple of weeks it has been! I had my rather uneventful birthday on the 18th and wasn't feeling too crash hot mood wise, but was looking forward to the gathering my good friend Kat DC and my housemates were putting on for me that weekend. And so on the 21st, the day before my party, I went to pick up one of my housemates from Strathfield and had my first ever car accident! It was completely my fault for looking in the wrong direction at the wrong time for a split second, and I ended up rear-ending the car in front of me. So, that sucked. I was pretty shaken up as you might imagine. I rang up the insurance company and made the claim and did everything I was supposed to do, then booked the car in for an assessment for the following week with the insurance people. Meanwhile, my lovely housemate Christen and Kat DC sent a message around saying that if people wanted to contribute anonymously to the excess when they came to my party, they could. I didn't really expect much, considering most of my friends were uni students, but I thought it was a nice thing for them to organise all the same.

So Sunday came, and even though I was so not in the mood for partying initially, all my friends being there really helped me so much, and I was feeling a bit better by the end. And then they handed me this wad of cash - they had raised over half the insurance excess!! I couldn't believe it! I was just staggered by their generosity, and I praised God for having such amazingly awesome friends who would be willing to put themselves out like that, even though it was my own stupid mistake that landed me there in the first place! Reminded me a lot of the gospel really... an undeserved gift!

The next day, Monday, I woke up with a nasty cold, but still thankful for the day before. That's when things took another turn.

On Tuesday, I took the car in for the assessment. I sat in the sterile waiting room, half watching Ellen on TV and reading OK! magazine glorifying fashion and celebrity. And then the assessor came and got me. And he told me that the car would have to be written off because there was too much damage to be covered by the amount the car was insured for. I was gutted. That car was brought brand new by my Nan and Papa, and had been in the family the whole time. The guy (who seemed very nice) apologised and told me that I needed to clear out all my personal possessions and they would send me home in a taxi. I felt completely numb, like it wasn't really happening. I cleaned out everything I could see and think of, and the guy cave me a couple of Reflex paper boxes to cram everything into, and he called me a cab. I had a nice chat with the taxi driver, trying not to think about what had just happened and the reason I was in the taxi.

I got home and of course called my parents to tell them the bad news. They were pretty startled too, but not angry or anything, just thankful that I was ok (and also that the car was insured, I'd say!). Then Mum told me that Nan's doctor had called - Nan had stopped eating and drinking and taking medication, and the doctor advised the family to come to Wentworth Falls to be with her because she would die soon. They had started her on morphine, so she basically slept the whole time. On Wednesday morning, Mum drove up to the mountains to see Nan. She died that night - she went peacefully and Mum was with her at the time. I think it was a very sad, yet profound experience for Mum. Mum called me and told me Nan was gone. I felt a mixture of utter grief, but also relief... grief for losing her and feeling like I had missed out on really knowing her well because of dementia which had distorted her personality so much; and relief that it was finally over and that the battle was finally through. Not to mention the relief of knowing that Mum would not feel the burden of trying to care for her disabled husband, my Dad, as well as trying to spend as much time as possible with her dying mother who was 3 hours away from home... it had been a real problem for a couple of months and was wearing her down so much.

And so the last few days have been filled with travel to the mountains, many tears, many messages and phone calls, lots of hugs, lots of prayer, a fair bit of feeling lost and lonely, and a lot of just not knowing what to do with myself. In the midst of all that, I had my last Sunday with my PBC family, and have been trying to keep up with uni work (not always successfully either), and find a new car. I will be attending Nan's funeral on Wednesday in Lawson in the mountains, then Thursday will be taken up by uni, then Friday I will be driving to Dubbo with a friend so I can pick up the car I'm buying from a couple of friends of mine who live out there. Then I'll be heading back to Sydney and the craziness will continue into next week with uni and ETC then a 4 day uni excursion... man... I just want to breathe freely for a while, and I just won't have time!

So there you have it. Life is weird, suffering sucks, but God is still so so so good. My friends and church family have been so wonderful and supportive, and I couldn't ask for more. God has looked after me every step of this unfolding mess, and for that, I am so grateful. I have been humbled by the love and kindness and support I have been shown by my brothers and sisters in Christ, and I hope they all realise how much I appreciate everything they have done for me during what has been a bit of an ordeal. Thanks everyone. :)

A little bit of news

It's been a crazy week for me! My mind has been buzzing pretty much non stop as I have been grappling with what I can only describe as a calling of God. I've never really been through something like this before, and now I have new respect for people when they say God has called them to do something they never expected, rather than viewing it with my usual cynical eye! And so, I have made the decision to leave my Petersham Baptist family to start a new adventure in serving God with a new church plant in Newtown called Resolved. I am not leaving PBC because I am dissatisfied - far from it! I love PBC and the wonderful friends I have made there. I have benefited so much from the teaching and love I have received from them, the wisdom of brothers and sisters in Christ, and have had so many good times at PBC. But ever since I met the Resolved team, heard their vision, spoken with the people involved... I have felt a pulling on my heart like I've never felt before. It feels like home, like it's something I'm really being called to be a part of. It's been a tough decision to make as it's hard to leave such an awesome place that I have been committed to for the last 4 and a half years. I know that I won't have as much time and energy to invest into those relationships, and so there is some grief in leaving part of that behind. I guess it can only be described as painful, in the same way it's hard for a young 18 year old after they finish school and set off to move away from their home and family for the first time. But at the same time, I'm excited about being a part of something like Resolved too. There is a real openness and honesty to the people there, a genuine earnestness to be a part of each others lives and struggles, and a sincere love for Christ - a love that they want to share with those who are perhaps not so inclined to set foot in a traditional church building. I think that God has gifted me enough to be of real use in a church like this, and I'm excited (and a little scared and nervous!) about the opportunities that God has in store for me and the rest of the church there. This is me, growing up and maturing in my faith and moving on to something new. If anything, this is a missionary move, and I am going knowing that PBC will still always hold a special place in my heart for all the love and support and wisdom they have given me, and I know that I have their support in this move too. If you want to know what Resolved is on about, you can check out the facebook group here.

Trust

The last few months have been pretty stressful. I've moved house and started uni. Nan is still hanging on to life and Dad is struggling a lot which is hard on Mum too. Financially, things have been really tight. The rest of the time I have been basically been doing general life admin or trying to sleep (although the sleep has often been unsuccessful). I have had a fairly massive fight with a close friend as well, and I have been very anxious about that, particularly because it doesn't only affect me, but other friends as well. And in the midst of all this, here I was, trying to carry the whole lot, thinking that I needed to plan out my future, do everything for my family myself, fix everyone else's problems as well as my own, somehow find or steal a million dollars, and generally make everything about me.

And so I've come to a crossroads now. With all those burdens, there's no way in the world I would ever be able to manage - worrying about everything was getting me absolutely nowhere. This past week has been a big step for me as I have sought to give all my troubles to God. I have had to repent of the things I have been doing that were, frankly, really ungodly and unbecoming of someone who claims to know Jesus. I feel so much lighter. Of course, I still worry, I still have things I am anxious about, but I am actively trying to trust God with everything that I have knowing that he will look after me, that he will provide me with all I need for a life of love and good works that he has prepared for me. Sure, sometimes I won't get what I want or what I was expecting, but I have to keep trusting that God has it all in his hands, and I have to stop trying to control everything and take it all on myself. Jesus is my King as well as my Saviour, and I need to stop stealing his crown. I may have lost this friend of mine forever, I may be struggling financially for a long time to come, my internship for 2010 may fall through, I may not be able to handle my course load at uni, I may not be able to get to Cowra to look after my Dad so Mum can visit Nan, I might never sleep as much as I really need, and certainly I will continue to stuff up... but it will be ok, because God will not let me go, nor will he abandon me as a hopeless cause. That is so comforting for me - God is in control of everything, and that's all that matters whatever situation I find myself in. I am so thankful for that, and for the brothers and sisters who continue to remind me of that truth.

For Good, Not Evil

I got rebuked the other day fairly heavily by a friend about the way I use my gift of insight into people to find and highlight their weaknesses. I think he may be right, so I've been thinking through what things I need to be changing in the way I speak and think about people that builds them up rather than tearing them down. As this friend pointed out to me, I am so in tune with my own weaknesses, and even sometimes consumed by them, that it tends to be the first thing I notice in other people. Of course, in my mind, I can also see the good in others, but if I speak about them, it's their problems that I focus on. I need to stop doing that. It's unloving, unkind, and very ungodly. I wonder if I do it because weaknesses and problems are the things that I identify with most in others... I don't know. But I know that it needs to stop, and I need to take this rebuke seriously.